It’s been an hour since you said that to me and you have apologized. But I’m still crying.

And i have to go downstairs and pretend like I’m completely okay and happy and act like everything  is okay. When in reality, I’m not okay, I’m not happy, and everything is NOT okay. My heart is aching, I have to force these tears away, and I have to remind myself every second not to go up to my room and cut. I’m hurting real bad but I can’t let anyone see that because then I would have to explain to them what is wrong and I just can’t do that.

And I’ve come to the realization that, I am extremely happy for you. I no longer get jealous that you have a new love when I look at a photo of you two. I actually think it’s cute and I smile. However I do get jealous of the fact that she gets to have you in her life but I don’t. I have also come to the realization that, I miss you terribly. Even though you have treated me like complete trash I still wish for you to be a part of my life. I still wish we were friends and talked all the time. We used to be such good friends, before we ever went out. I wish we could go back to that. I don’t want to have any problems anymore. I want to talk to you about my problems and have you help me fix them. I want you to care for me again and be there for me when I need a friend. I want you to talk to me about your problems and let me try to help fix them. I want to be able to care for you again and be there for you when you need a friend. I don’t want anything more than the friendship we used to have. I miss you with every fiber of my being. I just wish I could tell you this.

Yea, while we were together I started falling for someone else. Maybe it’s because of all the fights we would have or all the trust issues we were having or maybe deep down I knew that we no longer belonged together. Whatever the reason, it was still happening. I still think of you every now and then. Sometimes I wish you were still in my life. Not as my boyfriend, but as the friend you once were. Even before we went out you were one of my best friends and I could talk to you about anything. Sometimes I wish I still had that part of you in my life.

I was told that if you don’t know why you feel hurt then you don’t feel hurt at all. This is not true. At all. I really wish it were true but it’s not. And I know this all too well. I have had so many times where I feel hurt beyond repair for absolutely no reason. Now is not one of those times though, I know exactly why I feel hurt and it’s because I’m scared. I’m scared that once again, that girl will steal another one of my boyfriends. She has stolen every one of my exes. You say that won’t ever happen and that you aren’t going anywhere but those are just words. They don’t really mean anything. It’s so easy and simple to lie about something like that. And either way I’m worried. Worried that you’re either lying or you are telling the truth that you really feel this way but that you will end up letting it happen. I am extremely terrified. And I hate it. You tell me that it’s okay for me to tell you not to talk to her and I would love to but I can’t. I just can’t bring myself to tell you that you can’t talk to someone. I’m not that type of person.

My Best friend singing White Horse by Taylor Swift! She is fantastic! :)

Is it so horrible that when I feel depressed all I can think about is you? I think about everything we used to be, everything we used to have. How I used to feel during my time with you. The feeling of happiness, but also extreme depression. I think about all the good times we used to have and that makes me want to talk to you. But then I remember all the bad times we had. There were so many more of those and they were so bad that they overpower the good times. I hate feeling like this. I feel guilty for feeling like this. Like I’m mentally cheating on my boyfriend or something. Cause i know that if he knew that I think of you he would feel hurt. If that makes any sense.

Teachers need to realize that just because I can’t tell them the answer doesn’t mean I don’t know it or I don’t understand it. I get nervous when I am put on the spot and talking so I start to stutter and I forget what the answer is and for the life of me I couldn’t explain how to do something unless it comes as easily to me as adding 2+2 does.

And even though I have a wonderful new man, I will always continue to love the good parts I can remember about you. No matter what the bad is that you’ve done cause that’s just how in love I was with you.

Is it horrible to think that this won’t last? To sit here waiting for the fight that will tear us apart?

And that’s how I feel right now… :/

beccaboo51394:

She deserved every Grammy that she won last night. 21 is one of the best albums I’ve ever had.

Photoshop is my friend again. <3

Timmy V made a very rude comment about her weight on the radio today. He said the reason Kanye West wasn’t there is because she ate him.. I was very upset when I heard it…

Beautiful editing by the way. You have fantastic skills :)

Fuck this! I am so over people!